Recent studies assuage fears of global warming:
It turns out that global warming is caused by the warmth of Jesus' love. Even now as we speak, Christ's eternal love is busy melting the Ross Ice Shelf, causing tsunamis, hurricanes, and assorted catastrophes.I for one bask is the glow of my Lord's tough love.
For, behold, Jehovah will come with fire, and his chariots shall be like the whirlwind; to render his anger with fierceness, and his rebuke with flames of fire. - Isaiah 66:15
Yaweh has no time for pussies. You'd better make sure that you're ready for whatever he feels like dishing out. Did Job cry like a pussy? No. He never wussed out, and God won his bar bet ($5 wasn't it? Maybe it was only $1 like in Trading Places. What am I, a Bible scholar?) with Satan. I wonder if he bought Job a beer with part of his winnings. That would have been a cool thing to do.
For they have devoured Jacob, and laid waste his dwelling place." - Psalms 79:7
If we want Jehovah to be happy with us, I think we should go back to what we know makes him happy. Really, he's just a big kid who likes attention. Maybe more like a big puppy. Any Bible will tell you what the Big Guy really wants: animal sacrifices.
And he shall flay the burnt offering, and cut it into his pieces. - Leviticus 1:6
And David built there an altar unto Jehovah, and offered burnt-offerings and peace-offerings. So Jehovah was entreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. - 2 Samuel 24:25
Maybe that Dog Whisperer guy can teach him to behave. He can be a handfull.
Thus saith Jehovah, Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, and upon the inhabitants thereof, even all the curses that are written in the book which they have read before the king of Judah. - 2 Chronicles 34:24
And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. - Matthew 13:50
All I'm saying is this: keep your Goddamn God in your own Goddamn back yard, and do something about all the barking. I'm trying to sleep, asshole.
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1 comment:
You've really given me something to think about here. Insightful.
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